I’m sitting here on my porch going through some of the things we have to get done this coming week. One of those things includes the car we need to pick up. We recently bought a second car for $1000 and let’s just say it came with some personality and was ‘named’ by its previous owners. More on the Vladi later. But as I sit here pondering how much more we will be able to do now, and how Jeannie and I can be in two places at once, I started to think about whether that meant we were settling in here in Costa Rica. Then I started to wonder, “Is that a good thing?” Is the goal to find some settled feeling that then allows life to move forward as normal again? I thought I wanted that. To be settled into a life where we are moving forward in progress and things are happening with the ministry and kids are meeting Jesus and we are building a camp and friends and family are coming to visit. I want to see club on the East side of San Jose at all these international schools. I want to spend the night at a camp with 100 kids hearing the gospel. I want people to come here and meet people that will change their lives forever. But why? Why do I want these things? To prove that this was all worth it? Or because I get to be part of seeing people get freed?
There is nothing settled about being here if I really think about it. I mean, we know how to buy gas, groceries and pay bills. I guess that means we are settled in that sense, but I don’t want to be settled. I think maybe the point is NOT to be settled, and maybe we should be more excited about the fact that nothing here ever seems to feel that way. The future is completely and totally out of our control. We are learning to speak the language and that is going to take at least a year. A year just to be able to speak to the gas attendant instead of just saying “Full Regular” and hoping he doesn’t ask any questions about the windshield or tires or heaven forbid checking under the hood. A year until I can stop standing at the checkout counter in the grocery store in complete silence with nothing to say pondering if they think I am being rude but knowing that my smile at them may prompt a question which I am unable to answer. Never in my life have I been so humbled.
When someone asks me what do you do? What are your dreams for the future? What do you think of this or that? There is no response because I don’t have the words in Spanish yet. They are all contained in three books I carry to school each day from 8 to 1. They are locked away in there and each day we unpack a few more. Some say “you are experiencing culture shock” which OK, if you need to label it something go ahead, but I think it is more like “daily bread”. I look at those books and I see that (poco a poco) little by little, they unlock for me a new experience a new kind of world. I want to take all those little slices of daily bread and cram them in a bag and be on my way. I want to be able to crack a joke with people I meet or ask them how they are and know that there is more to the conversation than the uncomfortable “Igualmente” at the end where the silence begins.
I am settled in my Faith most of the time. I believe that God created this heaven and this earth. I know that man is a sinful creature and I believe that apart from Jesus there is no way for us to return to God. I believe that I woke up today because God willed it not because of anything I did to keep blood pumping through my body. So basically without Him I am dead. So that means that my last breath, the view I am looking at, the birds, Jeannie and whatever my kids say when they get out of bed and whoever I come across today; that is all bonus. Today is bonus.
So why do I pursue this word ‘settled’ so much? Is it so things can feel easier? It is because I am wired to finish things and the unfinished to me is so uncomfortable? I think for the first time calling out this word ‘settled’ means something to me that I never knew I was pursing here. I think that today is a bonus, so maybe we will shake things up a bit. Because I mean I just got a glimpse of what is waiting for me at the bottom of the powdered tea I made and it ain’t pretty. We desire to know the plan in great detail before stepping out, to have a routine that makes us feel, ‘settled.’ But I’m gathering that he wants to work in and through us in our complete and total weakness. So if I am busy trying to get my life settled maybe all I am really doing is trying to take back the control that I’m not equipped for. Maybe we need to embrace a little more of the unknown in life. Simply pray without ceasing. Trust without any borders or limitations. Maybe stop trying to call the shots in so many things and just see what He is making.
Like those books that have my language locked away each day, He seems to have my life locked away. This life that isn’t my own. So maybe tomorrow can wait and today we will run into. Fully surrendered, fully broken and totally unsettled. A day totally perfect in every way not because I took control but because I trust in His.